If you are suffering from clinical depression, I’d hate you to have to get off of your miserable, lazy, worthless backside and perform a simple Google search, so I’ve collected all the useful information about overcoming depression that I’ve been given over the years, and typed it out in this easy to read format.
Get out of bed early, as soon as the alarm goes off
Warning: this will make your days really, really long. And if you’re of the opinion, as am I, that life is rather long anyway, this will most likely make it much worse. You’ll be lucky to find enough stuff to do to fill half a day, let alone the numerous hours until you can go back to bed again.
So far today, I’ve: crocheted the entire back of a cardigan, watched a documentary about head-hunters in Borneo, eaten an entire container of Haagen-Daz, walked to the corner store twice and written to an inmate on Death Row.
Ordinarily this would be 2 days worth of fun but it’s still only 1.30 pm. Maybe I could take a nap? There’s no rule against napping is there?
Talk about how you feel
No thanks, I’m British.
Try to keep up with social activities, even if you don’t feel like it
Are you kidding? Not wanting to socialize with other people is not a symptom of depression, it’s a symptom of knowing other people. And if people wanted go out and do things, they wouldn’t have invented the internet.
Help someone else by volunteering
This clearly falls under the category of “other people.” So, no.
Eat a healthy, well-balanced diet
Yes, there are people out there convinced that pretty much everything can be cured by eating an apple everyday. They can usually be found rolling in their own filth at Burning Man, or tying their henna-covered dread-locks to an endangered tree, or circumnavigating the perimeter of Stone Henge. Silly, tree-hugging, hippie fuckwits.
You’re just a miserable, whiny bitch, pull yourself together and get over it
This is one hundred percent true, and yet still manages to be entirely useless as far as advice goes.
So there we have it. Your depression should be all cleared up now. In the unlikely event that after reading this blog, you are still suffering from depression, the next step is a suicide attempt, followed by hospitalization and/or death.
Once again, your welcome.